Ok…..so I will be the first to admit that I love a good old fashioned “sword & sandal” epic as much as the next guy….I mean, classics like “Braveheart“, “Troy“, and “Gladiator” will always hold a special place in my viewing pantheon. Now, I knew going IN to see the newest attempt by Renny Harlin (of “Cliffhanger” and “Deep Blue Sea” fame, but also 0f “Cutthroat Island” and “The Long Kiss Goodnight” INfamy), that I was going to have no expectations one way or the other….and THAT way, I would not be disappointed if it was a dud or be ecstatic with joy if it was a surprise hit. Unfortunately……..the FIRST “non-expectation” I just listed is what I got.
Loosely (and I mean LOOSELY) based on the Greek mythological son of the immortal Zeus and mortal Alcmene, Heracles (the name Hercules is actually the Roman version), this finds the origin of our hero beginning after the conquering to Argos by King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) and, due to his tyrannical methods of ruling the land, Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) makes the plea to the gods to grant her one night with Zeus that she may bear a special child who would be the King’s undoing. And thus Hercules is born. Fast forward 20 years and we see a young, strapping Hercules (the “Twilight” series’ Kellen Lutz) pursuing his love, Hebe (Gaia Weiss), the Queen of Crete, who has since been offered up to be his step-brother Iphicles’ (Liam Garrigan) bride so the King can have peace with his neighbors. Iphicles evens attempts to discredit and shame Hercules by taking credit for the slaying of the Nemean Lion. Ultimately, through a series of events that places him on the losing end of an ambush by Egyptian warlord Tarak (“That Thing You Do’s” Johnathon Schaech), Hercules and a loyal soldier and friend Sotiris (Liam McIntyre) are sold into slavery and put through the gladiatorial fighting circuit, all the while planning the way they will be free to return, gather forces, and take back the land from the King. And of course to reunite with his true love as well. And as you would guess, there are two other characters who meet their fate that also drive Hercules to REALLY want to get back at his step-father. Oy.
From this point, I would summarize the film as “300” lite. The literal comic-book like cinematography is there, and for so many battle sequences that involve sharp pointy things being stuck into people….there is almost NO bloodshed whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong…I am not saying I WANTED copious amounts of red stuff spraying everywhere (ie: “300”), but the lack of virtually ANY made some of these scenes even more UNbelievable than was even intended. And when I DID see SOME…it looked like candle wax around the wound. I know this is only PG-13, but REALLY?? And of course we have the other fantastical “300” gimmick of constant SLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW motion moments during the action, especially to highlight Hercules’ god-like strength ie: when he’s picking people up off the ground WITH his sword or slamming them to the ground and into walls while using two pieces of broken stone on the end of chains he was tied to as battering rams. And there’s the lighting-in-a-sword he gains to electrocute and entire battalion of men. The special effects were not that well done (I swear I briefly saw an archer shooting arrows that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere while the actor simply went through the motions of firing them) and some of the naval scenes on the water were so OBVIOUSLY CGI that I found myself sighing. Plus not the dialogue of champions being used either. And I was having SO much trouble not snickering every time I heard the name “Hebe”, as it prompted me to want to find SOME kind of joke involving her character giving me the Hebe-jeebees. The ladies will, I’m sure, love the fact that Lutz spends a LOT of overall screen time shirtless. Even getting a truly superb character actor like Rade Serbedzija (playing Queen Alcmene’s advisor Chiron) could not save this film.
Look, I truly did not expect Oscar to come knocking at anyone’s door for this film, but I was at least expecting to be entertained, to have SOME redeeming quality to its cheesiness that would be at least engaging….and I cannot say that really happened for me. I really wanted to spend more time laughing and trying to find gaffes in the special effects than to find any way to be fully invested in story or the characters. Maybe it’s my old age talking. OR….maybe it’s also the fact that with so many genuinely good films out there over the last many months, even fantasy ones (THANK YOU, “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug“…THANK YOU, “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire“, THANK YOU, “Thor: The Dark World“), that I am realizing there’s only a certain extent to which I want to tolerate THIS film’s KIND of delivery and lack of execution, and even the level of camp it possessed. It’s opening weekend box office estimate of a little over $8 million, behind two films that have been out 3 weeks and one that has been out 8 weeks, was NOT a promotional bell-ringer either. All in all….a D-U-D.
BUT…as always, this is all for YOUR consideration and comment. Thank you for reading!
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